


Mermaid, Mer-made, whatever

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Gen, story time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-07 23:43:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8820985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: Schtory time.Murderface telling a somewhat interactive version of The Little Mermaid to the rest of the band, badly.  He’s substituting them for characters in it.This also veers off into random tangents, including mermaid reproduction theories.  Weird ones.AKA Me butchering your childhood memories.  Again.Disclaimer: I haven’t seen that movie since my sister was little and I don’t remember a lot, so this is mostly bullshit, but I don’t own any of their things either.





	

The cable was out. The internet was out. Mostly because the power was out. Their Dethphones had all run out of battery life, and now they were super extra bored. They couldn’t even order pizza. They had food and they weren’t even hungry, didn’t need pizza, but it was the principle of it, a man should always be able to order a pizza at any time for any reason. That’s like a law or something, or at least it should be.  
They did have booze though, because of course they did.

But sitting by a window (because light) listening to random gears collide with random decorative and often deadly items (because dark) got boring fast, despite snacks and booze.  
Nathan pointed a beer bottle at Murderface, “Tell us a story!”  
“Why me?”  
“Because you never do!”

“Becausche I schuck! What do you want me to tell you, the Little Mermaid or schomething?”  
“Yeah!”  
“That sounds good!”  
“Does it!”  
“You’re all actually scheriousch...” He looked at them in disbelief.

They assured him they were indeed all completely serious, with very serious nods.   
Murderface couldn’t resist being the center of attention like that. “Fine, I’ll do it, but I’m making you all charactersch in it!”  
Pickles raised his hand. “Can I be tha prince? I never git to be anybody cool!”  
“Schure why not, you’re the prince.”

Skwisgaar snorted, probably at that mental image. “Jus’ don’ts be making me de ladies dis time.”  
“I wants to be the mer-mades!” If they were claiming characters, Toki didn’t want left out.  
“Well dat was easies. You ams such a ladies.”  
“You’s the lady, Skwisgaar!”

“Uh, Toki, mermaids are chicks.” They even had a song about this.  
“No, it’s mer-mades, like mades in the mers.”  
“I’m pretty sure it’s not, it’s spelled m-a-i-d everywhere.”  
Toki just shrugged, “Nots my fault they can’ts spell.”

Nathan gave up. “What about me?”  
“Uh... you can be the king of the schea? I can’t think of any other charactersch.”  
“Awesome!”  
“Heh dood, if yer Toki’s dad yer a mermaid too!”  
“Fuck! Can I be something else?” Or he could just pretend Toki’s “mer-mades” was actually right?

“No, too late! Okay I’m starting now.” Murderface waited until they gave him their attention before actually starting, “Toki isch Nathan’sch favorite kid, moschtly becausche he can’t remember the namesch of any of the othersch. Even though Toki isch really weird and hasch a fork collection and talksch to fisch. He doeschn’t even take knivesch, which would be schort of cool, juscht forksch. Nathan keepsch telling him not to go up to the schurface becausche there’s people and schit up there, but Toki never lischtensch. Schporks float, and he collectsch them too, but they juscht float back up, schoo he’sch alwaysch going up to get them back.”

“Toki, what’s up with your stupid fork collection?” Was that a fatherly thing to say? Who cares.  
“I don’ts know, I’s not the one telling the stories!”  
“Tell ‘em to go fork himself!”  
“Forks you, Pickles!”

Murderface glared at them until they shut up. “Picklesch isch a prince, and he’sch out on a boat. Juscht becausche he hasch one, I guessch? But he getsch really drunk and passchesch out and fallsch overboard and almoscht drownsch.”  
“Well thet sucks.”  
“But it’sch okay! Becausche Toki wasch collecting schporks and alscho watching the boat becausche he’sch schome kind of freak who doeschn’t reschpect other people’sch privacy, and schwims over to schave him.”  
“Dood, save me!”  
“Schhut up Picklesch, you’re passched out. Then Toki dragsch him to the beach and far enough out of the water that he won’t drown, becausche it’sch already high tide or schomething. Toki would know what tide it isch.

“Nope, I gots no idea about alls that.”  
“Schtory you doesch! Jeesch! But you have to leave him there, becausche... I don’t know, Nathan gave you a curfew or schomething. But you have to leave, scho you do. Only now you think Picklesch is the moscht hanschome man you’ve ever scheen-“  
“Thanks, dood.”  
“Schut tp! And you want to marry him. But you’re half fisch, scho that’sch a problem.”

“Nots a problem for me, a tail woulds be real cool! Hey Pickles, whats so tastes my fish stick?”  
“Gawd thet’s terrible. Don’t use thet line fer real, okie? Jest my advice.”  
“Goods one, Toki!” Skwisgaar defended his opinion, “Whats? I thought it was funnies.”  
Murderface glared at them yet again. “It’sch a problem! That’sch how the schtory goesch!”  
“You guys shut up and let Murderface tell the story!”

“Thank you, Nathan. Scho Toki hasch to go schee the witch and get a schpell to turn hisch tail into legsch.”  
“Whys?”  
“Scho you can walk on land! You need legsch for that. Alscho mermaidsch can’t fuck, if you’re getting married you have to be able to do that.”  
Skwisgaar frowned, “Dat makes no sense, how does mersmaids makes more mersmaids if they can’ts be fucksing?”  
“Maybe their tits grow tails then pops off as baby mer-mades, and then... they grows new tits?”  
“Oh god. Toki, you may have just ruined tits for me. But probably not.”

“Who caresch, that’sch not part of the schtory! Anyway, he tellsch Nathan, who’sch hisch dad in thisch remember, that he’sch going to go marry schome drunk dude that he left passched out on the beach. And Nathan schaysch that’sch fine, becausche at leascht he’sch not collecting forksch and schit anymore. And it’sch okay to be gay.”  
“I’s not gay!”  
“Yer marrying a dood, thet’s pritty gay. In this story yer gay.”  
“Wow, I’m a pretty cool dad! I guess? Uh, who’s the witch?”  
They all looked at Skwisgaar.

“No! Damnsit, I says don’ts be making me a ladies!”  
“Witches can be doods too.”  
“Nots in Harrys Potter dey can’ts!”  
“Well tha other kinds can! Heh, cahlm yer tits.”  
Skwisgaar sneered at him. “Nots helping.”  
“You’re a guy witch! Live with it! Come on, Murderface, keep going.”

“Alright, scho Toki goesch to the witch and schaysch he wantsch legsch. And the witch schaysch he can have them, but he hasch to give him hisch voice in exchange.”  
“Oh waits, he can’ts talks no more? I can gets behinds dis now.”  
“Fines with me, I’s not a singer anyway. You wants my guitar, then I has to kill you.”  
“Pfft, no. Mine ams way more betters.”

Murderface rolled his eyes and ignored them. “Toki agreesch to thisch, and the deal isch that he hasch to schwim to the beach and crawl out of the water and schay the magic wordsch, then he’ll have legsch after that.”  
“Uh, there’s magic words? I don’t remember that part. What are they?”  
“There hasch to be, it’sch magic! And I don’t know.”  
Pickles grinned evilly, “How about ‘she sells seashells by the seashore’?”  
“You _asschole_!”  
Skwisgaar joined in, “Does it, you can does it!”

“Fine! Sche schellsch scheaschellsch by the scheaschore. Happy now?”  
“Wow, that really sucked.”  
“Well thisch isch what happensch when you make the guy with a schpeech inpediment tell the schtory! Why don’t you juscht take over and do it yourschelf?!”  
“No, no, you’re doing great. Keep going. Besides, Skwisgaar can’t say it either.”  
“Ja I cans! She ams sell sheshells by de... seas shoreses. Close enoughs.”

“Can I finisch the schtory? Do you want me to finisch the schtory?”  
They all nodded, but thankfully shut up.  
“Toki grabsch hisch favorite schpork and schwims to the beach and managesch to flop out of the water. He schaysch the wordsch _which I’m not schaying again,_ then all the schudden he hasch legsch. He schticksch the schpork in hisch hair and schtartsch walking to the caschtle to find the prince. And he doeschn’t know how to walk, scho he’sch schtaggering all over the beach and all the people that schee him think he’sch really drunk because he’sch naked and hasch a schpork in hisch hair.”

“Why’s I naked?”  
“Becausche a tail ischn’t pantsch, and you’re too schtupid to find clothesch.”  
“Dood, harsh. Why am I gonna marry him if he’s thet dumb?”  
“I haven’t got the that part yet! And Toki, schut up, you can’t talk!”  
“I can, you just can’ts talks for me!”  
“You guys shut up! Murderface, go on.”

“Oh there’sch a deadline, I forgot to mention that. Toki only hasch... I don’t know, three daysch to get Picklesch to marry him, or schomething bad happensch.”  
Toki looked worried, “What bads thing?”  
Murderface shrugged, “Hopefully I’ll remember before I get to that part. Scho he finally getsch to the caschtle and findsch the prince that he schaved, but Picklesch hasch no idea who he isch because he wasch passched out the whole time and never even schaw him. And Toki can’t tell him, becausche he can’t talk. Scho Picklesch is schtuck with this weird naked guy with a schpork in his hair that won’t schay anything.”  
“Maybe I sporks him to gives him the ideas?”

“Schut up, Toki. Anyway, Toki isch following Picklesch around like an overgrown retarded puppy, and Picklesch isch really weirded out by thisch, scho he makesch him put on schome pantsch. Then he get’sch drunk and passchesch out again, becausche he’sch Picklesch. Toki goesch walking around the caschtle becausche he thinksch he’sch going to live there and wantsch to schee everything.”  
“My castle is the coolest!”  
“It’s my castle, ya douchebag!”

“Toki, you can’t talk! Picklesch, you’re not even awake! Both of you schut up!”  
“Yeah, let him tell the story!”  
“Picklesch schtaysch passched out all night, scho there’sch one day gone. And the next morning, Picklesch girlfriend comesch over.”  
“Wait, he has a girlfriend? I don’t remember this.” Nathan looked confused, “Who’s his girlfriend?”  
They all turned and looked at Skwisgaar.

“NO! I ams not de girlfriends! I refuses!”  
“Fine, sche’s juscht imaginary then! But shce’sch real in the schtory. Scho Picklesch, he’sch awake now, isch making out with thisch chick. Toki getsch mad, becausche they’re schupposched to be getting married, scho he schtabbsch her with the schoprk.”  
“Yeah, takes that!”  
“Oh no, thet’s my girlfriend!”

Murderface ignored them. “But it’sch just a cheap plaschtic schpork, scho it doeschn’t really do anything, and it breaksch.”  
“Oh noes, that’s my sporks!”  
“Now Picklesch isch mad too, becausche thisch guy is schtill hanging around and now he juscht tried to schtab hisch girlfriend and sche’sch crying because that’sch what girlsch do when people try to kill them. He tellsch Toki to get the fuck out of his caschtle.”  
“But I’s supposed to marries him!”  
“He doeschn’t know that!”

“Ja Toki, why ams you being such a dildos?”  
“I’s not the ones who has a giolfriend when I’s supposed to gets marrieds. Maybe I writes his dads an angries letter?”  
“You can’t, becasche you don’t know how. Ever try to read a newschpaper under water? Yeah. And hisch dad ischn’t in the schtory anyway, the prince livesch by himschelf or schomething.”  
“But he’s supposed to likes me, why doesn’ts he likes me? Stupids story.”

“Maybe because you’re being a creepy naked weirdo about it? And did you ever think that maybe Pickles just isn’t into dudes?”  
Skwisgaar snorted, but they all chose to ignore him.  
“I’s not naked no mores, I steals Pickles pants.”  
“Naught helping yer case, dood. You sporked my girlfriend and stole frahm me.”

“I schtill don’t remember how it endsch, scho I’m making up the rest. The guardsch won’t let Toki back in, scho he schtartsch drawing on the beach under Picklesch window to try to explain everything. Becausche he can’t write. He drawsch a schtick man with schtring hair schtanding on a pile of forksch, becausche Picklesch is as preciousch as forksch. He drawsch a bunch of arrowsch pointing at him to make the point. Then he drawsch a heart, but he’sch only scheen fisch heartsch so you can’t even tell what it isch. Then he drawsch a mermaid with her titsch falling off, even though he’sch a guy and can’t have tit babiesch.”  
“Did I draws it goods, at least?”

“Yeah you did, but it doeschn’t matter. Picklesch and hisch girlfriend are looking out the window and freaking out. You schee, to him it looksch like you want to kill him, and there’sch all thesche forksch and that random body part, scho you want to eat him. He doeschn’t even know what to make of the mermaid with her titsch falling off, but it looksch horrible.”  
“Yep thet sounds pritty horrible alreet.”  
“And Toki schees him looking and isch pointing at him, and jumping around like a crazy perschon. They’re both totally freaked out, Toki becausche it’sch the lascht day- I don’t know where the other day went, maybe he drew all night, but it’sch the lascht one now- and Picklesch because he thinksch Toki wantsch to kill him and hisch girlfriend. Hisch girlfriend isch schtill there becausche sche’sch afraid to leave with that crazy guy outschide, and the caschtle hasch guardsch to protect her.

“Well Toki, I bets you ams wishing you gives me you’s guitar insteads, ja?”  
“Oh fucks you!”  
“Itsch almoscht midnight now. Toki schaysch ‘fuck thisch’ and goesch to the edge of the water and laysch down, but hisch legsch don’t turn back into hisch tail. Scho he schtartsch kicking and schreaming and throwing thisch whole tantrum in the water becausche he can’t juscht turn back.”  
“Wow, you make poor life choices. I must not have been a good sea dad after all. Uh, sorry, I guess?”

Suddenly, the power comes back on.  
“Oh fuck yesch, schaved by the power!”  
“But how’s it ends?” Having come this far, Toki needed to know.  
“I schtill can’t remember! I think you die, and Picklesch marriesch hisch girlfriend?”  
“That really sucks!”  
Murderface shrugged, “I know, schorry.”

But they were now free to resume their normal lives, so they all wandered off to do that.


End file.
